Short Takes

Arnold Schwarzenegger's feature debut was in this zany live-action cartoon that's so awful it's downright brilliant. Ah-nold is, of course, Hercules. Tired of lazing around with busty babes like Venus, he whines to papa Zeus, who forbids Herc to amuse himself down on Earth. Naturally he bolts anyway and hijinks ensue. He's befriended by the constantly-befuddled pretzel-peddler Pretzi (Arnold Stang) as the two flee a tussle with some surly sailors, where Hercules actually pulls the old trick where you smack two guy's heads together. Through a series of misunderstandings, the basis of most good comedy, Hercules somehow rises to become a New York City wrestling icon. He sure didn't get there through Rowdy Roddy Piper-esque oration, because all Arnold ever says is some variation of, "Zeye-am Urk-u-leez!" Anyway, some Mob goons lose money betting on Herc, which is only so there'll be an excuse to have a chariot vs. car chase through Times Square. The station-wagon-driving mobsters even do donuts in Central Park, carelessly creaming trash bins, just to show how MEAN they are. It's the classic fish-out-of-water formula, but it works. Mostly because Arnold REALLY IS flopping on the cinematic bank. Especially when he's rasslin' that guy in a bear suit. Two breasts (Arnold's). Giant crystal ball. Lightening-bolt hurling. Gratuitous weight-lifting exhibition. Peppy Italian-banjo music. Hercules explains why he's knocking the stuffing out of a fella, "He's most disagreeable and he has irritated me." The real fun is the disc's five audio tracks. The first, and most hilarious, is Arnold's ORIGINAL dialogue track. The second is his dubbed voice, which he says, "sounds like a nerd." The rest are in foreign tongues. Highly Recommended.

1970, 92 minutes, Fullframe, Trailers.